Do you realize I spent my early teens playing flash games? I’d frequent Newgrounds, spam the forums with worthless opinions (racking up a post count north of 20k), then take advantage of the flash films/games since the icing around the teenage-annoyance cake. Then when the editor pushed #1 | Diep.io – #1 Play Diep.io Game Online to me, I found myself suspicious.
At first, I thought to inquire about: “How did you know I used to play flash games on Newgrounds?”, but thought he’d suspect something. Not simply, basically if i was wrong, would he start carefully and systematically comparing Newgrounds general posts with my general awkward demeanor to follow down younger me but, generally if i was right, he know I was into the bastard. Then this editor would foil living plans by occasionally whispering inside my ear: “hey, remember this gem of the Newgrounds general post…”, thus bit-by-bit destroying what little confidence I have got left.
Like most narratives, I used to be asked who’s tale it had been. So, one a little water in the face later, I realized it wasn’t a philosophical question of free-will but just asking me my name. Although, noticing this is an online multiplayer title, I was thinking I’d hide how I’d be examining this game with a critical eye as part of my job. So off I went. The tale of “NotAJournalist” had begun.
Naturally, like most free-to-play PvP titles, Diep.io starts with a whisper. You are a runt, the bottom of a pile, in a bad world trying to shoot you at the back of your head. Or possibly a small, circular tank floating amongst other shapes as well as other tanks. Thus I did the most obvious thing: I blew through the squares, triangles and pentagons that hung out passively while dodging each of the circle with names to them. Yes, the aesthetic could be recreated with MS Paint and the only thing that is missing is Comic Sans.
Each level offered me the choice of upgrade: Regen, health, bullet damage, bullet speed, rate of fire, bullet penetration, body damage (collision damage), and movement speed. Something that became immediately obvious was when I planned to reside beyond a young child inside a paddling pool of concentrated hydrochloric acid, i then will have to pick regen at some time. Without this, I might be worn over time like said child from before.
Eventually, I leveled beyond the “spitball-n-straw” stage and was asked if I wanted a device-gun, a sniper rifle, a dual-barrel assault rifle, or so that you can shoot forwards and backwards while spinning madly just like a ballistic hedgehog. Since I’m the type of simpleton to experience as Soldier 57 on Overwatch, out of fear of confusion otherwise, I went together with the assault rifle option on my tank.
Eventually, like other things, my time with Diep.io stumbled on an end as i began picking fights with many other players. Despite having the highest damage output I could muster, by far the most speed, a big regen pool, and more health than I knew how to handle, other players were quickly capable of put me inside my place. I’d be chipping away at their cathedral of health with my toothbrush shiv and they’d just sweep me aside having an almighty paw without noticing I ever existed.